CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon