CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
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doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots