DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
You Might Also Like
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
british sex workers really pound for pound
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.