Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!