Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
sir, my pâté if you please
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*