@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

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@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

@WittySassBasket

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

@rebrafsim

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@duumb

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel