I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Always a metermaid never a meter
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.