Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
You Might Also Like
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?