@TheOneTrueDisco

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

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@Kids_kubed

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@jrhennessy

Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal

@LizHackett

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

@thatdutchperson

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

@Cheeseboy22

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

@better_off_dad

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

@IamJackBoot

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.