me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.