Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation


Is it racist that I’ve been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she’s actually 5 white chicks?…


[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep


i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.


Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.


Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.


HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again

ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have


[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree