@JosesLovesYou

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

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@unrealRichardC

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

@TheTobbie

Is it racist that I’ve been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she’s actually 5 white chicks?…

@Wine_Charmer

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

@wolfpupy

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

@MaryJustice86

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

@smerobin

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again

ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have

@Ten_Toes_7

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree