@JosesLovesYou

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

You Might Also Like

@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@wildethingy

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@jazmasta

if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”

@Reverend_Scott

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

@GorillaNipples1

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@splashguts

I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.