Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.