Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.