*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Oh, I bet you would be
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new