@secondofhername

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

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@PhuckinCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@Broo_Swain

idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions

@UnfilteredMama

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

@Mr_Kapowski

*on the karaoke mic*

“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”

@elynnbarlow

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

@Quartzjixler

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

@Bob_Heller

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.