Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You Might Also Like
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Care for your back
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.