Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.