Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.