CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.