I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
ouch
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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