Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
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COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes