cat faces on other animals, a thread
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
relationship goals
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
This meeting could have been a cake
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?