There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Usage Guidelines
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.