@SamNonTheWiser

Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s PR team have moved quickly to get ahead of the situation

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@Sickayduh

What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists

@Rebecca8672

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@_breannuh

This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit

@MattTheBrand

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever