Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.