@SamNonTheWiser

Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s PR team have moved quickly to get ahead of the situation

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@BuffaloHomo

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

@Gupton68

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

@fireland

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

@iGreenMonk

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.