“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

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Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?


my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed


Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.


baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.


But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?


date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho


Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”