Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief