Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
the world’s most popular steaming services
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.