Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question