it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
uncle dave has been through hell
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.