when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
City buses overheating their air brakes in very slow traffic sound exactly like whale songs. Especially with the right echo. With enough imagination, rush hour in the Lincoln Tunnel is like being in the world’s most obnoxious nature documentary.
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People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re very good at it
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.
them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward
me: omg really?!? which one
me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.