@portmanteauface

City buses overheating their air brakes in very slow traffic sound exactly like whale songs. Especially with the right echo. With enough imagination, rush hour in the Lincoln Tunnel is like being in the world’s most obnoxious nature documentary.

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@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

@MariyaAlexander

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

@chairkeyre

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re very good at it

@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@boy_from_school

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

@paperphotoyo

When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.

@daemonic3

them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁

@warhorse76

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.