[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.