[on horseback dressed as a knight]
ME: I wish to battle your King
CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru
ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne
CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.
Wait – my gym moved?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
angel: you ok pal?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.