CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic