CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Tremendous stuff
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.