@DurtMcHurtt

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

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@SondraDeeMe

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

@sarcasm_inc

I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

@gumdropheaven

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH