CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect