I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I eat children for a living
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH