Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on


Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?


Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?


Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.


My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat’s name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat’s name was Greg.


Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies


The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.


I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind