Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
You Might Also Like
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
This meal prepping shit is easy
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ