@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

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@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@notmythirdrodeo

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

@EtobicokeErnie

Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

@tracietom

My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat’s name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat’s name was Greg.

@NicestHippo

Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies

@theshantilly

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

@FlyJ_

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind