CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ