Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows