@garrettn

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.

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@kumailn

Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.

@Audenary

LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?

@AndrewNadeau0

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@slimmy_shady

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

@Darlainky

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@offbeatoliv

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

@simoncholland

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

@freeDone01

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

@DaddyJew

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.