Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.
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LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.
SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.
LION: *upset* Shaun said that?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.