Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.