Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.