GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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[walking into my intervention]
me: is this about me talking to myself
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?
RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.
RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
In Russia, Jesus finds you.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.
God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”