That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Bike is short for Bichael.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Oh thanks BBC.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?