Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT