Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
You Might Also Like
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.