Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

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INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.


Saying wash your hands
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it


[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo


Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.


Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..


coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad


If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.


*Makes joke on Twitter*


*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*