Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles


“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.


*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself


Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..


Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us


[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope


I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.


(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it


Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.