Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
The three genders.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP