Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

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No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.


Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit


It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.


Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.


Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.


If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!


[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me


Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.


Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*