@SharkJelly

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

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@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@hangin_out

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@michaelianblack

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”

@BlitznBeans

“This is not fair!” – Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect
“He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist”
{pencil stops moving}
“And he was crying”

@KalvinMacleod

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

@thepaulahunt

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@BrainSeducer

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!