Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
the dark web is just a goth google.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.