Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
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BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*