Clark Kent: Only kryptonite can kill me.
Perry: What do you mean? Can’t regular things kill you?
Clark: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?

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When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.


Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.


Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.


No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.


MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?


Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.


My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..


I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.


I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.