Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
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*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I don’t think my car can fly
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My nickname in high school was “who?”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.