When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
Clark Kent: Only kryptonite can kill me.
Perry: What do you mean? Can’t regular things kill you?
Clark: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
MOM: Story time
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.