Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Feels
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I’m sorry…what?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Which wines pair best with gloating?