Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.