@zgbetty

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

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@pitbull_wizard

[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*

@stevevsninjas

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

@ericsshadow

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

@jctwritesstuff

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

@Browtweaten

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

@tazsme

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

@heathesauruss

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

@WilliamAder

Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.