Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.