@Reverend_Scott

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

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@iamk1ts

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@skizzyl

My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it’s a vicious cycle.

@lukeoneil47

I was 17 having dinner w new gf’s parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn’t take. I got nervous they’d hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window

@LeftAtLondon

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

@IamEnidColeslaw

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@mommajessiec

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

@SoulYodeler

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song