[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”