CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
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My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*