[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
You Might Also Like
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does