@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

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@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@kimtopher22

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

@jpbrammer

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

@NoTheOtherJohn

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

@jasonmustian

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

@weirdralph

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

@Home_Halfway

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5