[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
You Might Also Like
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.