[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5