[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Finally! 😈
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me irl
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
This is my pinned tweet
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.