I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend
ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.