My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
me: this is free, right?