Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.


This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.


Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm


COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs


My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.


*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*


Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document


Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?


When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”