Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-